Weighing the push and pull of change
How a little ambivalence can take you a long way.
The next time you consider making a big change in your life, go seek ambivalence (the state of being divided in your thoughts) and stay there a while, before allowing yourself to arrive at a decision.
When being in two minds is better than one
When people say they’re in two minds about an important decision, it’s often assumed that they are in position of weakness, that they’re stuck in unproductive vacillation. But it could in fact be that they’re going about their deliberations in exactly the right way. I’m not proposing that we get ourselves mired in an endless churn of doubt and rumination, but I am advocating we engage in big thinking for our biggest decisions. Weighing both the push and the pull factors of a prospective change will help us get a big return from that big thinking.
Push and pull
In simple terms, we are usually pushed to change by dissatisfaction and pulled towards change by perceived opportunity. Let’s use the example of a potential job change; In that situation a possible push factor could be a realisation that we’ve somehow lost momentum in our current state or, alternatively, we’ve come to conclude that there’s something that’s actually repulsive about it. Like a malcontent boss, who despite our best efforts, can never be pleased, or a painfully long daily commute that’s stealing precious personal time.
The bad stuff tends to be easy to spot. And we need not continue to endure it. If there is too much negative stuff in our current state, the right thing may indeed be to move away from it somehow, but we cannot let the negative elements of our today dominate the key decisions about our tomorrow. By all means we should be attentive to what’s pushing us and allow that knowledge to be a part of our weighing up process, just not all of it. If we allow ourselves to be just pushed into change we run the risk of simply being reactive, of perhaps taking our decisions too hastily and overlooking many of the options that might surface for us after deeper, fuller deliberation.
Listening to what’s calling us
When we allow ourselves the time, attention and room to listen to what’s pulling us towards change we’re using more positive thinking. We’re putting ourselves in a position to respond to what’s calling us, not merely react to what’s bugging us. That distinction is significant.
The factors that pull us into change can be more complex to assess but often prove more compelling and powerful if we can effectively tap into them. We’re all unique, one of kind individuals, so getting to the bottom of what pulls or draws us to change is a job we’ve largely got to do for ourselves. But I can suggest some productive places to start looking. If you’ve read any of my other material you won’t be surprised to find that my questions are clustered around what’s at the foundation of our authenticity. Try these:
What aligns with my personal compass – my beliefs, values?
What employs my innate talents and defining strengths?
What sits well with my character – both the person I am today and the person I’m working to become?
What allows me to release and harness (at least some of) my passions?
Do I feel an itch that screams to be scratched?
What takes me towards my mission / purpose / biggest goals?
What kind of work do I suspect would find me at my best?
What social context do I seek? Who do I want be around?
What activity would find me fully engaged?
What am I now doing some of but would like to do much more of?
What would nourish my wellbeing?
What would leave me with a feeling of achievement and a sense of meaning and contribution?
When you contemplate these questions above, listen to your feelings as well as what you rational side is telling you.
Why is as valuable as what
If we can answer most of these questions (even if only in part) then we not only have a fuller understanding of what change/s we may want to make, but just as critically, we also know why we want to make them. Changes made that are informed by those very fundamental insights have a much better chance of being successful and leading to sustained progress.
I acknowledge that for many of us, especially if we are young, the answers to these questions may not come easily. But hang in there, give it time, don’t ask yourself to nail it in one go. Believe in the virtue of investing in yourself and if that isn’t enough motivation for you, know too that your eventual insights will not only benefit you but also others around you. Our stakeholders and those we share life with will always be more encouraged and motivated to help us when seeing us running towards our future, not just escaping our past.
Reprise
For all of us there comes a time when our present needs to become our past, when a real change is called for. And a push towards change is often helpful. But we can make the wrong change when all that drives the decision is some sort of revulsion from our current state. We are better placed to make wise decisions and smart changes when we have understood and taken into account both what is pushing us away from our today and also what is pulling us from our tomorrow.
footnote:
If you’re beginning to doubt if your current work is still the right work for, but aren’t sure how to go about making that assessment, we have a tool that will help you. Just contact me via my website or email me more@moreofme.co.nz and I’ll send it to you.